Have you ever wrestled with God? Like Jacob? Or something similar? It’s not fun. Until it’s over, anyway.
There was a time, a few years ago, when I had leant someone I didn’t know very well, $500. She had said she would pay me back next week. A few weeks came and went and became a couple months. I was getting quite upset, feeling taken advantage of, and began to pursue the woman to get my money back.
After a couple weeks of pursuing her for it (by that I mean leaving phone messages, not stalking her), with no luck, I was losing sleep at night, tossing and turning and not knowing what to do.
One night in particular I was tossing and turning until about 2 or 3 in the morning. Then I heard the Holy Spirit tell me to say the Lord’s prayer. Oh, no. I knew what that would mean! I would have to forgive this woman her debt to me. I was not prepared to do that!
‘And forgive us our sins, For we ourselves also forgive everyone who is indebted to us. And lead us not into temptation.’” (Luke 11:4)
The Holy Spirit pressed it further. “Say the Lord’s Prayer”, He said, “Say the Lord’s Prayer.” Oh, how I fought this. I wanted the money, I didn’t want to forgive the debt. The Holy Spirit reminded me the money was not an issue for Him. I agreed it probably wasn’t, but it was for me! I couldn’t do it.
Then the Holy Spirit reminded me that I have no idea what God intends for that woman and maybe this lesson was for her, by having her debt forgiven. That would be fine, I thought, if it were someone else’s money. I wanted the $500 back.
I continued to fight against Him. Part of my insistence too was that she didn’t own up to her word and took advantage of me. That bothered me, and I wanted justice, whether it was for $5 or $500. I knew it wasn’t right.
The Holy Spirit pressed upon me further that He was not going to let up. I was getting very tired by now and knew I was going to regret my sleepless night the next day at work. He then also pressed upon me that it would be better for me to stop fighting Him sooner rather than later, because either way I would come around to His way. I knew He was right. I always, eventually, gave in to His better way when He pressed me like this, and I hadn’t yet ever regretted it. However, the times I didn’t give in (He didn’t seem to press me as hard), I always regretted it and found the Lord made me revisit the issue.
So, somewhere in the dead of night, my flesh gave up the ghost on the issue of the woman and the $500. I stopped fighting, and I said the Lord’s prayer.
The moment I finished the prayer, I felt the Spirit released me. I was at peace. He reminded me I was not to take up this issue again, not with her, not with myself, and not with Him. I fell asleep almost immediately and had a full rest by the time I woke in the morning.
A couple weeks later the woman’s boyfriend brought to me $100 as a good faith payment. He explained some of her struggles. But I had tried to stop him before any explanation, because I really didn’t need any. He handed me the $100 bill and I smiled and reached for his hand. I put it back in his hand and said “Tell her to keep it, all of it. And tell her God has blessed her. She doesn’t need to pay any back.” He was stunned.
Later that day she called me and wept on the phone while thanking me. I told her again it was from God. (It sure wasn’t from the heart that gave it to her expecting it back).
The thought of that incident had left me until this week. The money has never been missed. I asked the Lord why He brought this back to my memory right now and I believe He impressed on me it had to do with the lesson of dying to the flesh.
Like most believers, I too think I will do God’s will when the time comes. When He makes whatever it is known, how could I not? It’s His will and I love Him, so I just will. Yeah, right. Not so likely, it seems. It’s an arrogant thing to think my flesh is godly enough to do my Father’s will. In this situation, it was only $500. What if He was asking me to give up my car, or my home, or something else pretty big? What kind of a struggle would I go through then? I do know these lesser struggles assure me I am much better off forsaking my will sooner than later.
“Keep watching and praying that you may not enter into temptation; the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.” (Matthew 26:41)
Sometimes it isn’t the issue of the material item either. As I mentioned earlier, I wanted justice. I felt I was being done wrong. Turns out this woman was in such a tight place she couldn’t do differently and I was not being a minister of love and understanding, hope and help. I wanted my money back. Essentially saying $500 is worth more than she is.
Since then I’ve begun to learn a little more about mercy.
